I have been spending a lot of time of late, alone on the topmost branch of the Holy Monkey Tree. From up on high, I can see my rivals swinging about on the lower branches and, with some well-aimed fruit, can ensure they are easily dislodged on top of each other. It keeps them delightfully distracted, squabbling amongst themselves.
The monkey-eating boas of the KPK have also been making their way up from the lowest branches and picking them off one by one. I confess a certain perverse pleasure as I watch the slithery beast pluck another fat monkey off its branch; but also a certain fear that they might climb all the way to the top. This is unlikely, of course, in the extreme. The generals of the Monkey Army (the most intelligent, self-sacrificing, kind-hearted, noble, generous and compassionate of all creatures in the realm) have assured me that, at least as far as boas are concerned, my shiny pink bottom is well covered with layers of camouflage green.
However, I have noticed some of these same generals slinking about the Palace with crafty looks on their whiskery faces and there has been whispering behind curtains and a muted rattling of sabres off stage. It cannot bode well and I think my best strategy is to maintain my lofty position far removed from these intrigues and have my ever-trusty magic cloud ready to whisk me away to Heaven, which we monkeys of the better sort call “Singapore” (there’s all manner of excellent shopping and everyone is wealthy and clean and speaks to one ever so nicely; it’s almost as nice as Switzerland).
Not that I’m paranoid or thinking of my dynastic potential. Not at all. For the good of the realm, I well understand the necessity of crying that, ‘The King is dead! Long live the King!’ I am focusing fully on fulfilling my mandate as the Enlightened One, the Most Equal of All, the Secular Interlocutor and Protector of the People. To that end, I have made some promises for next year. You can rest assured that I, and all my ministers and devoted officials, will do our utmost to make sure these are fulfilled.
1. The One Who Sits on the Throne in the White Monkey Palace will ensure that justice, equality and truth are the lingua franca from Sabang to Merauke; never being swayed by venal, self-serving interests but always protecting the rights of even the poorest of citizens. The example from the highest position in the land will spread to every distant isle and even the most wretched and destitute will know that they are safe from predation by their government and other criminal elements.
2. Our far-seeing and wise ministers and elected members of parliament will continue to uphold the rule of law and maintain their already high standards of commitment to the greater good. They will revoke stupid and oppressive laws, eradicate contradictions between various legal regimes and make new laws that protect the values of the Constitution and support the people’s welfare.
3. Our heroic, self-restrained and self-sacrificing military will remain in their barracks and continue to have no interest whatsoever in government or commerce. They will uphold the integrity of the nation’s borders and maintain their distance from internal matters, venturing out only to save lives during times of national emergency brought about by natural disasters.
4. Our committed, impartial, respectful but firm police services will continue to maintain the highest standards of law enforcement, reminding us all of our duty to think not of ourselves but of the greater good. Never will their force be used unwisely or without proper judicial checks. All citizens will continue to feel that they can call on the men and women of the police at any time that they are in need of protection from those few elements in society who do not obey our laws.
5. Our wise and impartial judiciary will maintain their high standards of personal integrity and jurisprudence. Of course. Hardly necessary to mention it.
6. All the hard-working and fairly trading business men and women in the realm, particularly the wealthiest, will continue to operate honestly and will never seek to influence the government in favor of themselves. They will not only pay the tax that they are obliged to pay but will pay more, not only to government to ensure the realm is effectively administered, but also in the form of donations to charities and nongovernmental organizations.
Phew. That’s quite a new year’s list. All those points and the noble language. Pretty good, huh? I feel quite noble after writing all that. Like voiding one’s bowels after a time of constraint.
Anyway, it’s great to have said all that but now I have some more pressing matters to deal with. I’m sure that just now I saw one of the Monkey Army generals talking to another general who had yet another younger general holding his tail. I know they’re up to something! Quick! Hand me that fruit!
White Monkey News Bureau 